June 8, 2018: SUICIDE isn’t the ANSWER!

SUICIDE isn’t the answer. I’m here if anyone wants to talk.

If you think this post will help someone else, please feel free to share. Thank you for reading the whole post.

YOU ARENT ALONE! Someone right by you or near you is there. If not, call a hotline, or text someone

Day 53: June 8, 2018 – this is a tough one, but relevant to me. It’s more about the news of the week and less about my surgical recovery. It’s deeply personal to me.

I’m still really sick, but feel 5% better, which hopefully means I’ll continue to feel even better tomorrow! Wish me luck! Now on to the meat of tonight’s post.

“When you’re surviving, you can’t dream.”

IM A SUCCESS STORY. Im sharing so that others might find comfort in my experiences.

When I was growing up, I rarely thought about my future. I was surviving. I can survive with the best of them. I wanted to be a singer or teacher, but I didn’t follow through. I’m 45 now and I feel I can finally start looking at my future. That’s completely new to me. I’m bringing this up because my thought was always that I wouldn’t be here long enough to imagine a future. The reasons varied in my mind from sickness, accidental death, murder or suicide. Sounds morbid, but, subconsciously, this thought process kept me from dreaming or thinking about my future. It wasn’t all the time. I had my reasons for feeling each of these ways. Depending on when, each day was a bonus.

1. I have a weak body, so I used to worry I would get sick. I no longer feel this way. This went on during my early 30s. I can handle whatever comes my way. I might be physically weak, but in hella strong in my mind.

2. Tomorrow is never promised. Any one of us can pass from something accidental. I don’t think about this very often at all.

3. I used to fear for my life, but I no longer do. I had my reasons. Maybe one day I’ll talk about why.

4. Suicide – I’m going to jump into this one in this post.

After 2 very publicized suicides this, I feel it’s important to talk about the subject with honesty and understanding. In reality, suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the US. Each year, 44,965 Americans take their lives. For every suicide, there are 25 attempts. I’m incredibly sad to hear when anyone commits suicide. I’m sorry they felt it was the only way to escape. The aftermath is everyone left behind. The minute someone takes their own life, it’s a domino effect and their friends and families lives change forever. There’s no going back. If only in their worst imaginable pain when they feel their death will help everyone, they had a moment of clarity at the absolute devastation left in their wake – they would not commit the final act. They don’t. Below is the website that I pulled these statistics from.

Suicide Statistics

I’ve known people who have attempted suicide. I’ve been touched by someone who did commit suicide. I think about that person all the time and it was many years ago. I was angry at first. “How could you?” But, deep in my heart, I was just so sad and felt guilt because I couldn’t help. I couldn’t fix it. How did I miss the signs? Why didn’t they talk to me? Did I do something wrong? Why did you leave me here by myself? And so many other questions. There are plenty of you out there that were left behind that understand what I’m talking about.

This person didn’t leave a note. I found myself wondering why they couldn’t have taken the time to leave a note. Well, folks, it’s because that’s the last thing a person is thinking about when they’re on the way to ending their pain. Even though it might be something they’re contemplating a lot, it doesn’t mean they have a plan. They’re thinking how much better everyone’s lives will be when they’re gone. It seems obvious and understood. Of course, to the ones left behind, it’s not obvious and the loss is so painful you lose your ability to breathe. They are being selfish, too. They get to leave and never deal with any pain again. Right? Yes, right. But, we do.

I’ve talked about the effects Bipolar has or had on me, but there is one I haven’t talked about publicly. There are a few people who know, but, this is definitely not something I talk about. It’s deeply personal but if talking about it helps one person feel better, then it’s worth it.

YOU ARENT ALONE! Someone right by you or near you is there. If not, call a hotline, or text someone

So we found out 2 famous people who took their own lives and they didn’t reach out for help. Think of all the regular people out there who aren’t famous who feel even more isolated today because of these two deaths. No one knows what you’re going through or how you’re feeling if you’re feeling suicidal because it’s intensely private and embarrassing really. I know this because I’ve been there. Let me say before I go there that I AM OK NOW AND am properly medicated.

YOU ARENT ALONE! Someone right by you or near you is there. If not, call a hotline, or text someone

If you’ve been reading my posts, then you know that I’ve mentioned 2006-2007 being the worst years of my life. They were hard years and I’m so GLAD I made it through. I didn’t do it alone. Getting through suicidal thoughts isn’t something I could do alone. I wouldn’t be here today had I not had support from those I loved. I would be hard pressed to believe anyone could get through it alone. Suicide is a lonely culprit so if you’re feeling that is the answer, likely, you’re sitting somewhere alone, in pain, and lost. You’re probably not sharing your feelings with anyone else. You’re smiling, but you’re dying on the inside. You’ve withdrawn. Maybe you’re doing drugs, drinking, sleeping all day, nor sleeping, etc. Below is a website for more information on suicide awareness and help and prevention.

Mental Health America

I’ve attempted suicide 3 times in my life. I was 16 the first time. My boyfriend and I had a fight and I didn’t know what to do with the emotions and I was already deeply depressed for other reasons and it just didn’t seem worth it. I was exhausted from life. My boyfriend stopped me and I went home and acted like nothing happened. How was I going to explain this to my Mom? What in the world was I going to tell her? So I said nothing.

The 2nd time was around 2003-2004. I was deeply depressed and my marriage wasn’t going well. I felt like a complete failure. I felt disconnected from everything. I was exhausted by life. My husband at the time decided not to come home and that threw me over the edge of reality. Once I realized what I had done, I called my neighbor and she called 911. They wanted to keep me in the hospital but I assured them I was ok and I wasn’t unhappy. Isn’t that where the mistake is?? The doctor wasn’t stupid. We both knew all the paperwork and implications a suicide attempt could cause. As a parent, I felt I would lose my children if I sought help for my complete and utter depression. I was on Effexor at this time which isn’t for Bipolar, but it’s what I was taking.

The 3rd and last time was in August of 2006. My husband and I had separated in February of that year and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt our end was my fault. By the time August came around, my ex decided it was too hard to see Jacob and Judy because of me, and some other things that added to the trauma. I also had a boyfriend and he was not a positive force in my life. He was difficult to handle. At this point, I was doing good to get up and go to work. I was deeply, deeply and hopelessly depressed and we got into a fight. I just remember him yelling in my face. He dropped me off at home. I remember him having a broken jaw from a fight and I think he was blaming it on me. Who knows. I could be wrong. Jacob and Judy were watching TV. I gave them hugs and told them I was going to clean up. I remember turning on the bath water. I loved that bathtub because it had jets. And then I blacked out and I woke up in the car with him. I remember looking at him and telling him I was ready to “go”. He told me it wasn’t time. I remember it so vividly. He saved my life. He got me to the hospital within minutes of death. I woke up in the ICU and didn’t understand why I was there. He and the doctor were there and I had a tube down my throat. They told me I had taken various kinds of pills, which I will not say which ones here, or how many, but, it was enough to end up in the ICU. My neighbor, who was my best friend at the time, took care of Jacob and Judy and provided the names of the meds so they could properly deal with it. I WAS SO EMBARRASSED AND IN SHOCK. For me, these times weren’t planned.

YOU ARENT ALONE! Someone right by you or near you is there. If not, call a hotline, or text someone

After that event, I immediately sought out professional help because death by my own doing wasn’t an option. I had 2 children who needed me and a family who loved me. Because I blacked out, I knew it was even more imperative that I get the help I needed. I’ve been on medication every day since September 2006. I had to wean off the Effexor, which was terrible! I would and will do whatever it takes to make sure I’m ok.

Suicide Warnings!

Have I had suicidal thoughts over the years? Yes, I have. But, eventually, I reached out and talked to someone. It’s vitally important that you talk to someone. There are more people than you know who Jane gone through it or feel the same way you do. I’m being out loud about it so you know you’re not alone. If you think you are, YOU’RE NOT. There are so many who will help. I will listen and can direct you in the right direction. I know how you feel. I still have days where I’m exhausted and question why I’m here. When those days happen, I make sure I’ve taken all my meds, that I’m properly hydrated, fed. I think about my children and then go from there. In 2018, I’m happy. I will always be depressed because that’s my chemical makeup, but I won’t be trapped in it.

YOU ARENT ALONE! Someone right by you or near you is there. If not, call a hotline, or text someone.

Mayo Clinic Suicide Symptoms

Below are some hotlines to help anyone who thinks suicide is the answer. It’s not the answer for you or the ones you would be leaving behind. They don’t want a note. They want you. I’ve been on both sides and there’s nothing positive about it. YOU ARE WORTH IT. You won’t know that until you reach out. There’s someone waiting to talk to you!

Suicide Prevention Hotline

You are here for a reason. You may not understand that reason yet, but give yourself time because when you’re surviving, you can’t dream.

Love Yourself!


In my 45 years, I’ve been through so many things. Some of them are unimaginable. And through it all, I made it. I’m here today. Without the love of my children, my family and my friends, I know I wouldn’t be here today.

If you really don’t think you’re worthy, you are. I’m here to listen and there are phones just ready to be picked up! Just call. The person sitting next to you right now may understand exactly what you’re going through.

One more thing to address. I’ve seen some pretty ugly and ignorant posts and comments made at Kate Spade’s and Anthony Bourdain expense. You can NEVER know what someone is going through inside. No amount of money, fame, traveling or leisure erases depression and loss of will to live. If that’s what makes you happy, then great. But, if a person is truly depressed, nothing matters, and help is crucial. I’m sorry to the families left behind when people just couldn’t stay anymore. That doesn’t have to be YOU.

All of the website links are important and related to the subject of suicide. I’ve been there and was almost successful. When you have a black out disorder like I do, it’s so important to consider getting help. Your life will get easier. Mine did with a lot of hard work! I can talk about this now because I’m ok now.

Kate Spade & Anthony Bourdain

THANK YOU for supporting me! If you’re tagged, you’re family, friends, but I am specifically tagging some of you because I think you or someone around you can benefit from these words

YOU ARENT ALONE! Someone right by you or near you is there. If not, call a hotline, or text someone!

Text home to 741741

You’re not alone!

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