Hey folks! It’s Wednesday, and I can’t seem to stay awake. I’ve been flipping through old poems and stuff that I’ve written, and I came across this gem. I wrote this back in 2011.
The Heart of a Girl , July 2011
I see happiness all around me.
Smiling faces excited to face another day.
When you look at me, the smile is there because that’s expected, but behind it is sadness unknown
Parts of me for everyone. They get what they want and each time they take, there’s a little less of me
But, my smile lingers on because I want to be excited
The rest of me broken and strained, Focused on hiding the pain, doubt and confusion
I had a vision when I was tiny and new and it died before I even knew. What do I hold onto now?
The smile, for in it is a part of me not broken, tired or confused. Just a simple smile, forced in expectation, holding the walls of my mind together
Hiding my journey to darkness with light in my eyes
Hope? Delusion? Soon, my path will be revealed and I will stand alone like I am now. Nothing will be different.
They think I’m alone anyway, but I hold a secret deep and they don’t care to pay attention. They long to stay blind. Justify.
I just smile it out and try to keep the darkness from seeping through the daylight
No one sees through me. They see what they want and avoid the rest. They don’t like my truth. My truth is their lie.
My words have no meaning. My truth a lie. My heart is broken and no healing will save me. Too much has happened. Stolen. Abused. Abandoned.
This is my path, and yet, I will smile while my life bleeds away. The most stunning of smiles on the outside, while I slowly whither away in silence so loud it’s deafening, but no one hears the crash
My words fall to the floor as I pour them out of my soul, only to land limp and lifeless. Scattered. Unheard. Unspoken. Ignored. Lies. Lost.
I scream only to realize there is nothing left. I reach for an answer, a truth, only to find that all the parts of me are scattered among the webs in my mind, sticking, stuck, lost forever. Enveloped into something I don’t recognize anymore. Who am I?
Where did she go? When did she leave? Others say she still exists, but I can no longer find her amongst the rubble. I sometimes hear her voice, and search for her in my dreams, only to wake up, tear stained pillow. Lost. Broken. Helpless. Darkness.
Wipe my tears. Fall to dreams and hope for light. Smile. Hope. Wishes. Freedom. Only in daylight do I feel somewhat safe. Never in sleep or darkness. Demons. Pain.
Innocence and beauty are now replaced with rage and anger and confusion. Who is there? Who is in the dark laughing at me? Is it me? Is it him? Taunting. Laughing.
I see happiness all around me, and I want that, too. So together outside, but inside is darkness, but, even in the dark…..
I miss her. She is the innocence that was taken from me. Stolen. Ripped. Torn. Mourn. Loss. Heartache. I never had her. How could I?
I will leave this place as unknown as I came, and none will be the wiser. They will have their truths, lies, justifications to avoid accepting they destroyed me before I even took a breath.
Whew! I hadn’t read that in a long time, and my outlook on life is so vastly different in 2018 than in 2005. I can honestly say that she, who wrote this, is at peace. It’s a mix of talking about the different abuses I suffered through my life. I went through a lot, but in the last 5 years, I haven’t been abused in any manner, and it’s been different, and nice, and I’m just now starting to realize I don’t have to look over my shoulder all the time, and no one is out to get me or make me wrong about everything or do something crazy on a whim. I can actually breathe.
I feel removed from it most of the time these days.
BUT, I can certainly share my experiences with anyone who is hurting. I know there are still things that I do or say or think because of my past abuses. I don’t even know it sometimes. All I know is that every part of my being was affected, and I’d say I’m at about 75% healed. I’M HAPPY more than I’m not these days. I’ve got a lot more healing to do. It took me an incredibly long time to get to where I am today. I’m up for the continued journey and I KNOW that my experiences can help someone else. One of the key differences is that I now surround myself with positive people. That helps.
If you’re reading this, and you’re hurting, then I’ve been there and I’m happy to listen. It gets better. In 2011, when I wrote the poem, I really never imagined I’d be in a good place. I never thought I deserved to be in a good place. But, I am here. Healing is a lifetime journey. We all have good days and bad days. I hope you know how amazing you are! Thank you for reading.