I’ve started this post over a few times now. I know what’s on my mind, and my thoughts are kind of all over the place. So, how do I narrow it down? I don’t know, but I’m going to just talk through what I’m thinking and feeling. I usually have a linear thought when I write here, but the past few days, it’s been a ball of thoughts. SO, bare or bear with me! I’m going to get through this. I have been incredibly sad the last few days. A good friend of my boyfriend’s daughter took her life on Friday. She was 20-something and left behind a husband and 3 babies (1, 2 and 4). My heart breaks for her children, and her husband and the family she left behind. I wish she could come back and see how her actions affected everyone she left behind. I know she was probably thinking they’d be better off, but that’s not the case. They’ll never be the same again. How does that father explain to his children why Mommy isn’t there anymore? Does he do it now? Does he wait? The 4 year old might have some kind of memory of her, but definitely for the short term. She was a stay at home parent. Her husband did the working. So, everything changed…. in an instant. I wonder what she was thinking and feeling during her final moments. I can only speculate. I can do that by remembering how I felt when I was almost successful. They say that if you survive attempted suicide that somehow you didn’t mean it. I guess that could be true. They also say that if you take pills, you’re not serious. I’m here to tell you that I took enough pills and I would have died had my boyfriend at the time not rushed me to the hospital. My organs were shutting down, and I was outta here. But, the Universe had other plans for me, and I’m here today. I actually don’t remember the act of taking the pills, but I remember what was going on that day – specifically that day. I felt defeated. I was exhausted in a way that I couldn’t explain. I felt like my whole world had changed into something I didn’t recognize anymore. I had just left my 2nd husband and I was terrified. I felt alone. I felt isolated. I felt ashamed. I didn’t feel like I could tell anyone because I was in that situation because of me. It wasn’t anyone else’s fault by my own. I simply believed. WAS CONVINCED that my children were better OFF without ME. I’d had a fight with my boyfriend at the time, and when I walked into the apartment, my children were watching TV on the couch. I remember telling them I’d be right back, and then I woke up in ICU. I wasn’t going to be right back. I was lost in every way. I wish I could know what she was thinking that day. This is where my thoughts start spiraling. My mind gets so twisted, I want to stop typing. I’ve stopped at least 4 times to let my mind breathe. I’ve been watching New Girl. It’s one of my favorite shows. The writing is clever. CRRAAAPPPPPP. Lost my train of thought again. That’s the best I have right now. Peace out!