I’ve been reminded in the past few weeks that we all have demons. Some have our demons in a neat little box, stuffed so far down in our minds that we’ve almost forgotten we have them. I am sometimes envious when I see people who “have it together” or they say things that make you think they “have it together”. I think – what’s wrong with me? Am I not reading the right books or taking the right motivational quotes to heart? Personally, I think some of the motivational quotes are stupid. Just me. Just sayin’. How many times can you read a motivational quote before it gets lost in the garbage with the rest of them? They have their place, and you find countless posts on Facebook or Twitter or even Instagram. Sometimes, I say to myself – yeah, I feel that way or I do that or I suck at doing that. And, if you really take a look, they’re not all that realistic sometimes. I get it’s a goal, right? But, life isn’t quotes. So when someone does nothing but speak in quotes, they aren’t really dealing with how they feel at their core. Life is a journey. (oh wait – that might be a motivational quote – damn!) BUT, for me, it’s true. Reading a bunch of quotes isn’t going to make my life better. Doing the emotional work will help me make my life better. It’s a day by day endeavor. (another inspiring quote that came directly from my head, but I’m sure if I look on social media, someone beat me to it.) Writing this blog is part of my work.
My mind gets bogged down with doubt, worry, uncertainty and all the other worrisome emotions. The weight can be unbearable. I never doubt I’ll get through it. But, I do believe that I can wake up everyday and make the choice (for the most part) to have a good day. It doesn’t always work, folks. You shouldn’t feel like a failure if you wake up and you’re pissed off, tired or cranky or shaken by a dream you had last night. People walk around thinking that being human is a failure in some way, that believing in something outside yourself, a higher power (whatever that means to YOU) is weakness. It’s not. I’ll never believe differently. When I struggle, I close my eyes, and pray for peace for that moment. Prayer, in my mind, doesn’t mean you STOP the work. When we are honest with ourselves, we can move forward. It might take years, months or maybe days, but it’s all about your journey and it’s NOT A RACE. Life is long and if you spend all your time trying to race somewhere, you end up nowhere. OH MY LORD! That whole exchange could be several motivational quotes. Difference is – I really feel that way!
I woke up angry today. I didn’t sleep well and the nightmares were long and devastating, and I didn’t know I was in a dream until I woke up. That’s pretty rare. I usually know and can wake myself up. A trick I learned years ago. By the way, if you have nightmares and someone tells you it was just a dream, don’t feel guilty or like you’re doing something wrong if it gets to you during your daytime hours. Nightmares are awful, especially when they relate to your past. Just breathe. It’ll get better. People ask why I’m so quiet in the mornings. There are several reasons. I don’t sleep well 80% of the time. I have nightmares often, and sometimes I have pain that keeps me awake. The biggest one is that I don’t feel safe. Logically I know that the nightmares aren’t real. We all handle it differently, but I try to give myself quiet time so I can recover. It’s why I arrive to work 30 minutes early and sit in my car. I need time to expel the negativity. I smile, do my job, even laugh. As long as I can surround myself with people who make me laugh, I can usually move through it. It’s not personal to anyone, and I don’t think it makes me unlovable or unlikable.
Life transitions are hard for me. I’ve been going through one since mid-December. I haven’t lived alone in a long time, so occupying myself has been difficult. I do way more now than I did where I was before. I’m getting there. My Mom told me to take my time. She’s right. As a matter of fact, most of my family members have told me to take my time, but I’m kind of impatient, and I need to get some sleep. Yes, I’m taking my sleeping pills here and there, but it’s not working. I’ve even had a glass of wine a couple times, and that worked one of the nights. I’M NOT FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF. This is just my life right now if you’re reading this and going through it, it gets better. Why do I know that? Because I’m going to keep researching ways to help my sleep. Because I won’t accept anything else. Sheer will?!
From the above link, Top 5 Sleep Supplements of 2019:
There are a variety of causes, but some of the most common are:
Stress, Anxiety, and Depression: These can be two of the most common causes of chronic sleeplessness. Stress, anger, worry, anxiousness, and negative thoughts can have a dramatic effect on sleep quality.*
Stimulants: Excessive use of caffeine, such as energy drinks and coffee, can be one of the most common causes of intermittent and transient sleeplessness. This is sleeplessness that occurs periodically or only for a few nights at a time.*
Medications: Some medications can interfere with sleep, such as antidepressants, ADHD medication, corticosteroids, thyroid hormone, high blood pressure medication, some contraceptives, pain relievers that contain caffeine, diuretics, and diet pills.*
Allergies and Respiratory Problems: Colds, sinus infections, and upper respiratory problems can make it hard to breathe at night which can cause sleeping difficulties.*
Nocturia: Frequent urination and constantly getting up in the middle of the night to use the restroom can cause sleep disturbances.*
Chronic Pain: A variety of conditions that cause chronic pain can also disrupt sleep, such as: arthritis, chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, inflammatory bowel disease, headaches, lower back pain.*
If you asked me if I miss my ex, I don’t. I get weird looks when I tell people I don’t when they ask. Our relationship was over long before we broke up. I am a direct communicator. I’m not so much interested in revealing how I feel and when I do, I expect that whoever is on the other side reciprocates. It takes a while for me to get angry. I have the ability to understand where everyone is coming from and give them allowances to continue being who they are. I never want to change anyone, but I do feel compromise is important, and no one can do that if the communication on both sides isn’t there. Honestly, I stopped trying because the mutual respect simply wasn’t there. So, in that regard, we either talked and got nowhere (that usually meant I yelled or walked out the door out of frustration), or the silence was deafening and we fell into another round of “let’s pretend everything is OK”.
Relationships of convenience for the person on the other side or me simply doesn’t work for me, whether intimate or friendship. I’m happy to listen to anyone talk about their journeys, but I am pretty quiet until I truly trust someone. It takes a lot for me to open up and share my inner most thoughts and feelings. I know I blog, but that doesn’t even touch my emotions. That’s just me telling my story so that other people know they’re not alone. I felt alone for a long time, so I don’t wish that on anyone. That fulfills my urge and desire to make sure YOU don’t feel alone in this world. It’s not enough. The world can be a hard place, but it can be WONDERFUL AND KIND AND BEAUTIFUL, whether it’s a beautiful day and I’m out walking the dogs, or spending time with family, or sitting on my couch blogging to get the anger out of my system. Writing in my other journal where my deepest feelings reside is one of the other ways in which I help myself get to the bottom of things. Sometimes the answer is… who knows? Sometimes I know the truth of the matter, and decide whether or not I’m going to continue in that direction. I feel pretty balanced most of the time. My nature + the meds I’m on for my Bipolar keep me in a pretty good balance. I know exactly who I am, but I don’t always know where I belong, and this life transition is testing my feeling of belong-iness (not a word, but who cares). I still know who I am. I know myself better than anyone else. Period. I know the bad, the good, the secrets, the pain, the joy….. all of it. I feel alone sometimes because of my nature and the pickiness with how I allow people into my bubble. But, that’s nothing new. It’s just louder right now. It’ll calm down, and I’ll be better in the silence.